


Count Your Blessings

by shadowolfhunter



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Dad has a plan, F/M, Mpreg, Mum is evil, it might not be a good plan, lesson might be learned, sex is joke in heaven
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-04
Updated: 2017-04-05
Packaged: 2018-09-21 23:18:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9571223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadowolfhunter/pseuds/shadowolfhunter
Summary: Lucifer and Chloe have been reunited, and the Devil figures that whatever the situation, if he makes Chloe happy, he knows she makes him happy (and isn't that a turn up for the books, the Devil is happy!) this thing is what it is, so enjoy each other.Dad has a plan. A plan that might just severely mess with everything that Lucifer and Chloe think they know...





	1. New Beginnings

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, this is mostly crackish fluff... it owes quite a bit to Kevin Smith's Dogma...

His first waking thought was that, all those months ago, when he was teasing her about having “moves that made even the Devil blush”, he had been completely factually correct in that assumption.

Lucifer had had sex. A lot of sex. Orgasmically mind melting sex. But nothing had prepared him for sex with Chloe. The added dimensions, the tenderness, the passion. He lay completely sated next to her, arms around her, and found himself with a curious feeling. One of never wanting to let go. He pondered his feelings. Feelings! The Devil didn't have feelings, but he could actually grasp what Dr Linda had been talking about.

He, the Devil, had feelings. The Devil was not supposed to have feelings, that was a mortal kind of sitch. He should have been deeply offended by the pesky things, but he wanted to hang on to those feelings. Guard them, keep them wrapped up where others couldn't get to them. Okay, Chloe could. If he thought about it, so could her spawn... and Linda, and Ella,... Maze... well Maze would laugh at him, but... oh Father... Dan? How did that happen? Grudgingly he even supposed there were feelings for Amenadiel. Sort of. Maybe.

Feelings for Father and Mother?

He slammed the mental door shut on that one.

Father put Chloe in his path. He was still struggling with that, what it might mean, but frankly he didn't want to disappoint Chloe (he'd seen how angry she could get when disappointed, and the Devil did not really have a death-on-earth wish), and after last night, disappointing himself seemed foolish to say the very least.

He stretched, feeling deliciously wiped out all over, which had never happened before, and beside him Chloe began to stir.

Those gorgeous blue eyes opened.

“Morning,” she purred.

Her lips met his, and whatever Lucifer had been about to say, vanished from his mind. He applied himself to the thoroughly joyful task of loving every single inch of the beautiful woman in his arms.

 

A few weeks later he noticed it. Discomfort from tightening his belt, he loosened it a notch, and resolved to no longer lay waste to the department fridge, although he'd been leaving Dan's puddings strictly alone... Best to not tempt fate.

The Devil did not put on weight. It was impossible.

But then he was lying flat on his back in bed one night, he'd finally bitten the bullet, they had told young Beatrice that they were together (her response was so gratifying, the Devil purred when he thought about it) and he had moved in a couple of days before.

So he was lying on his back, happened to glance down, and there was a curve, no, the merest hint of a bulge to his abdomen.

Lucifer cut out bacon.

And the grilled cheese. Just in case.

 

He had been acting strange again, though Chloe figured by now she should be used to the weird mood swings, that weren't really mood swings, just Lucifer's inability to process what was for everyone else, completely normal human emotion. Truly there were times when she wanted to take hold of Lucifer's parents, and his weird creepy brother Amenadiel and slap them all around for having broken her Lucifer so thoroughly that he didn't know how to deal with ordinary life.

Right then, he was standing ten feet behind her. They had seen crime scenes way worse than this. She was crouched down, observing the scene, turned to find him ten feet back, “the crime is here, Lucifer, not over there. Or is this one of those feeling moments.” Barely had the words left her lips when his face changed, his skin took on a greenish hue, and she was on her feet in a second, hand extended as Ella produced a bag from somewhere, then she was by his side, turning him gently away, his head down over the opened bag. She rubbed his back gently as the miserable sounds of retching announced the loss of breakfast.

He was just starting to breathe normally again, when Ella approached, “What's up?”

Chloe's eyes rolled automatically, as Ella's very unfortunate word choice caused Lucifer to whimper and bend over the bag again. She made the 'did you have to go there' expression at their lab tech who was looking a little mortified that she might have caused the breakfast apocalypse to come again, and turned her attention back to her quivering boyfriend. Letting him lean into her, she said softly, “Lucifer, what's the matter?”

His voice was weaker than she had ever heard it. “Detective, I don't know?”

This odd feeling of protectiveness swept through Chloe at that moment. Like Lucifer needed her to protect him, but it wouldn't be denied, and this tiny flicker of something nudged at the back of her mind.

She shook her head, that made no sense at all...

“I think you need to go home,” He shook his head, an automatic protest, but he let her guide him back to the car, and sit down while she called him an Uber. She had a scene to process and questions to ask and right now he wouldn't be able to deal with any of it.


	2. "It was probably that third win."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Lucifer's mornings continue to be miserable.
> 
> Chloe is worried.
> 
> Linda is confused.
> 
> Ella sciences the shit out of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This owes quite a lot to the 1997 Godzilla, Dogma again. All science is hand-wavy at best... this is fiction, folks.

Chloe cast an anxious eye at Lucifer. Her boyfriend (it was still so new, she repeated it in her mind a couple of times. It felt good) was still queasy first thing, his days began with breakfast apocalypse. 

Sometimes before breakfast.

Despite the ongoing sickness, he insisted he was fine, and no, he didn't need to see a doctor (thank you very much). So he continued to join her at the precinct, his usual dapper, if slightly wan, self. Nothing dented his Luciferness.

Chloe coaxed him to talk to Linda, which confused him and left Linda with a suspicious frown on her face, which she convinced herself by lunch time was merely her mind playing tricks.

Maze just laughed when Chloe mentioned the mornings.

 

The situation might have continued indefinitely if Ella had been... less Ella. Convincing Chloe that they could just run a couple of tests to keep it in house, and quelling Lucifer's utter distaste at being asked to pee into a cup, she settled down to run tests. Not a doctor, satisfying Lucifer's weird medical distaste, but still a scientist, soothing Chloe's fears.

 

Ella bent over the kits for the third time. It had been a joke, inspired by her late night viewing of the 1997 Godzilla, starring Matthew Broderick.

Thing was, now it wasn't a joke. She'd purchased four tests. FOUR of them. They all said the same. The impossible.

Lucifer was indisputably a He.

A very unusual He.

Ella crossed herself. How to explain the sitch to her friends...

 

“You're pregnant!” oh God... Ella gasped. She hadn't meant to blurt it out like that. Lucifer's head tilted to one side a little, the way it always did when he was completely confused, but totally not accepting the evidence.

Chloe looked stunned, and then burst out laughing. “What? That's not even possible.”

“I ran four tests. They all say the same thing.” Ella laid out the four test kits on the table in front of her. “All my other tests were negative for anything, although there was this weird extra marker,” she shook her head, time for that later, first “Look, if I'm wrong, no harm no foul, right?” Ella handed a brand new kit to Lucifer who stared at it like it was a rattlesnake about to bite him. “We try here, and now, and then we will go back to square one,” Ella paused and bit her lower lip, “if I'm wrong.”

Chloe shook her head in disbelief, but Ella was right in one aspect here, it wasn't actually possible, but ruling it out entirely made sense. The old Conan-Doyle quotation came to mind “Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable,must be the truth.” So they would get this over with, they would be back to square one with no idea what was causing Lucifer's nausea, and they could get on with their lives.

Her pleading blue eyes met her boyfriend's dark brown ones.

Lucifer's expression changed from revolted to resigned. If it would make Chloe happy, he would do it. He took the stick from Ella's hand.

“You pee on it.” Ella said, helpfully.

“Bloody hell.” He muttered under his breath. “Yes, yes.” He said breezily, and strode off toward the restrooms as though he hadn't a care in the world.

Chloe and Ella tried to look as though they weren't loitering outside the men's washroom. Minutes ticked past, the silence deadening and quite oppressive if she thought about it, which Chloe definitely was not, no, definitely not, impossible.

A surprisingly high pitched squeak echoed out of the men's.

Lucifer appeared in the doorway. He looked a second away from complete panic, his eyes huge in his face, his full lower lip trembling slightly, wordlessly he handed the stick to Chloe.

Her brain was refusing to accept the evidence of her own eyes. Beside her, Ella breathed out, “Lucifer, you're pregnant.” in a hushed, almost reverent tone.

It was Ella's statement that snapped Lucifer out of his fugue and tipped him straight into panic.

“I... er...” he gasped, his eyes widened “I... have to go.” He yelped when Ella put her hand on his arm, though his eyes never strayed from Chloe's huge confused orbs. “home.” he finished and fled.

 

Chloe tapped quietly on their bedroom door and opened it.

She had to give him points for it, he had fled to the place he now called home, their home.

His suit was hanging up, his shirt over the back of the chair, and his socks were in the laundry, shoes neatly together next to her dressing table. It was a little reassuring to know that whatever the personal crisis, Lucifer's love for his groomed elegance didn't often fail.

What was upsetting her was the mound in the middle of their bed.

She knew he was in there. It was more how to get him to come out.

“Lucifer.” Chloe coaxed softly.

The quilt moved.

A terrified pair of brown eyes peered at her.

“I'm thinking it was probably that third win.” He croaked. “Never should have gone for that third win.”

At least he didn't appear to be blaming her. Chloe sat on the bed, and a trembling hand took hers. Her free hand burrowed under the quilt and gently stroked his hair. “Whatever this is Lucifer, we are in this together. I promise.”

His fingers were clinging to hers like she was his only salvation before he fell over a cliff. But he nodded.

The Devil wasn't scared of anything.

Maybe.

 

They held a council of war. Of sorts.

Chloe, Ella, Linda and a still giggling Maze.

Even Lucifer's scary red eyes didn't quite quell the giggles.

“We can hardly go to a regular hospital.” Ella stated the obvious. Chloe actually rolled her eyes at that one. Lucifer sat by her side on the couch, not even really contributing to the conversation.

Linda looked thoughtful for a moment. “I've heard about a doctor in the Hills who offers no questions asked private consultations. His name is Rush, I think. I'll reach out.”

Lucifer nodded his head slowly, as though he barely heard her. He was pregnant. There was a niggling little suspicion at the back of his mind, something about angels and fertility, and whilst he was certain he could not impregnate a human being, he knew under certain circumstances, an angel, regardless of gender, could actually carry.

It would appear that Dear Old Dad had one more joke to ensnare his fallen son with.

But there, in his home, with the four women in his life who he could now acknowledge were there because they wanted to be, the Devil had the first glimmerings of something he was sure he hadn't felt before.

Love.

He felt loved.  
Unconsciously, his hand moved to his abdomen, curved protectively over the small bump he could feel there. Whatever came, his child would be loved, and looking around the room, not just by himself.

In the midst of the craziness, Lucifer clung hard to that. Whatever Chloe's role in his life, she had stuck like glue. Her stubbornness was legendary, he had cause to doubt even the Omniscient One could move her.

His Chloe.

Chloe put her hand over his, quietly cast an angry eye skywards. She wasn't sure if she believed Lucifer's jam even now, but if God was indeed his father, she had a few choice words for the old ass if she was ever to come across him.

 

Somewhere out there, God smiled. Perhaps he had been a little hasty, but it seemed as though his son was learning, and bringing them together had paid off.


	3. Nothing Fits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Chloe is slightly hysterical
> 
> Linda is a little exasperated 
> 
> And Lucifer just wants his pants to fit.

Chloe lay back on Linda's very comfortable couch and gazed up at the ceiling. It was a very comforting ceiling, a uniform shade of magnolia white (such a soothing colour, she thought idly) she let her thoughts float; Chloe drifted peacefully.

"Chloe." Linda prompted quietly, inwardly wondering what exactly she might have done in a former plane of existence that had apparently cursed her to interact with several members of God's impossibly dysfunctional family. Lucifer's issues would have kept an army of psychiatrists fully engaged for at least a century. But the rest of them were no better. Only Maze, a demon of all things, showed real insight into herself, and the motivations of others. Amenadiel (supposedly an angel) well he'd lied to her, put her in an impossible position professionally, and yet she was supposed to forgive him, because _Angel_. She was supposed to forgive his transgressions because he was a divine being. She cast an irritated eye towards the ceiling.

Linda shook herself, smoothed her hands down her skirt and focused. This was just the problem, around them, and their impossible collection of insane issues, she lost focus.

"Chloe?" Linda refocused, realising that Chloe had practically drifted away on the couch.

Chloe pulled her mind out of the clouds and listened to Linda.

“Chloe, how are you coping?” Linda said, “I realise this is a challenge for both of you, but…”

“A challenge?” Chloe almost laughed, she wasn’t even aware how crazy that sounded. “I think it is a little more than just a challenge.” She waved her hand a little, “after all, I form a relationship with a beautiful, but incredibly clueless man, who thinks he’s the devil. My daughter accepts him at face value because, hello, Lucifer,” she raised a finger in the air “is Lucifer, so Trixie adores him… And after all of that, suddenly HE’S PREGNANT.” She subsided into the comfort of Linda’s cushions and turned her head to look at the doctor. “My boyfriend is pregnant… How is that even a thing?”

“And this evening you get your first scan… Lucifer’s first scan.” Linda thought about mentioning that the doctor, Rush, was apart from the accent and the dishevelled appearance, essentially Lucifer’s twin, which could go any number of ways, none of them necessarily good. He was discreet, if a little harried, and Lucifer was pregnant so discreet was very good. She shook her head, perhaps not.

“We have our first scan.” There was the tiniest edge of hysteria in Chloe’s giggle.

 

As far as Lucifer was concerned, he would just like a pair of pants to fit him. His usual tailored elegance was being severely disrupted by his pregnancy sitch. His usually tightly fitted shirts now refused to close over his less than trim waist properly, his pants would not close. There was bulging. The Devil did not bulge. Almost every suit he owned was spread out on the bed as he tried to fit his blossoming body into something.

He looked at himself in the mirror.

His lower lip trembled. Where all these bloody feelings were coming from was totally freaking him out. The Devil did not freak out. He was the one who inspired panic in others.

A pair of little arms wrapped around his formerly slender waist. He couldn’t help noticing that they didn’t really reach as far as they used to.

“Lucifer.”

“Child.”

Curiously, the only real comfort that Lucifer had been deriving over the last few weeks, was Beatrice Decker’s absolute love and, even more curiously, since she was an eight year old child, her complete discretion.

Lucifer quelled the trembling lower lip and ran a gentle hand over Trixie’s hair. The little arms squeezed gently. Which naturally had the lower lip trembling again.

Bloody inconvenient feelings.

“Mom has what she calls a go bag stashed in the back of the closet.” Trixie stared up at her step-Devil. “She said something about making sure you were never naked in public again.” A little frown crossed her face.

“Lucifer, why were you naked?” She said in that enquiring tone which always made Lucifer panic just a little.

Inwardly cursing fathers and angel physiology in an all encompassing curse in his head, Lucifer tried to think of an appropriate response which wouldn’t have the Detective mad at him. “I…” he faltered, because Trixie was diving into the back of the closet and dragging out a bag. He swallowed his reply, and gingerly took the offered bag from Trixie’s hands.

Tracksuit pants. He winced. The Devil did not wear tracksuits. But the pants had a stretchy waist, which would probably stretch around this latest inconvenience, and at least his Detective would not be shouting at him for inappropriate nudity in public places again.

 

Three quarters of an hour later, clad in the tracksuit pants, a large, oversized shirt in a nauseating checked pattern, slung over a teeshirt in a colour that was as foul as its shape (there wasn’t one, but it concealed his middle) Lucifer was hiding behind a pair of very dark sunglasses and slouching towards Chloe at the crime scene.

She turned towards him, he really looked very unhappy, and Chloe felt her heart melt. He was confused, stressed, and this had to be hard on him physically too. Her realisation that her boyfriend was the actual Devil, and somehow their union had made pregnant one of the most powerful archangels (fallen or not), paled into insignificance compared to what her terribly insecure Lucifer was going through.

He came to a halt right beside her. Too close really, but since it gave her the opportunity to slide an arm around him and give him a little comforting squeeze, which brought the ghost of his usual flirtatious smirk to his face, even partly hidden behind sunglasses which could be most charitably described as Freddy Fly.

As weird as it was, they were having a baby, and Chloe had all sorts of feelings about her male partner’s body going through all that it took to carry a child to term.

What was term anyway? Was it different for archangels? Seeing the look on Lucifer’s face, and the way he huddled just a little closer before stepping away, she decided to hold off that question until later when they saw Dr. Rush.

She turned, becoming all business-like as her partner gathered himself together. “Right, Maury Charles. Found by the kitchen porter when he was taking out the boxes this morning.”

Lucifer eyed the dead body, a chubbyish man in probably his late forties, the difference was the uptown suit, and the expensive accessories. He looked like a lawyer, and therefore unlikely to be in this part of town for pleasure reasons. He had the strangest feeling he had seen the man before.

“I am not seeing anything here, detective.”

Chloe rolled her eyes.


End file.
